At A Glance :SasoDei:
by Tobi the Hubcap Thief
Summary: Sasori ponders his feelings for Deidara while trying tp decide whether he deserves him or not. : SasoDei, DeiSaso, Sasori x Deidara Oneshot:


At a glance,I am a cold,heartless bastard.I seem to have no respect for those around me;I barely muster up enough respect for _myself_.At a glance,nothing affects me,and no matter how hard I am hit,I will not feel the impact of the blow.  
I was never referred to as a "human",for my very body defies that description.I am wooden,I am metallic,and I am a killer.  
At a glance,I am but another weapon in the arsenal of the Akatsuki Organization.

But delve deeper into my soul,or lack thereof,and you will see the humanity that is still within me,the weaknesses I am hiding,and the emotions that I once thought were completely gone.  
For although I am nothing more than a murderer to most,I am everything inbetween,but only to those who have managed to break through the defenses I have worked so hard to reinforce.

Most anyone who knows me (or thinks they do) has no idea who or what I am,nor of what horrors I am truly capable of. None of them know the extent of how many people have died by my hands,begging for mercy as they choke on the last breath they'll ever exhale in their existence.  
They will never know the pain I've endured,the very pain that has caused me to become what I am today,and they will never understand what I gave up to end my suffering.

They think I have always been this way--fearless,cold,deadly,and relentless--but they don't realize how scared I was back then,or how much pain I suffered.I thought myself a coward during those final moments of my human life,as my soul binded to my new body. To think that fear and suffering had driven me to such lengths to escape it?  
I despised myself for what I was doing,but only for a brief moment,for as soon as my new body was complete,all emotion and pain faded away.

They all thought I was crazy after immenent,howling laughter after every kill I made,the unexplained shadows that drifted beneath the pupils of my eyes...even the members of the Akatsuki regarded me with caution.I had not taken this into consideration before making my final transformation.I had not pictured this,as I had had no intention of killing back then.  
But then a sort of madness had taken over,and before long I had slaughtered over one hundred people,many of which were just civilians.  
At this point,the Akatsuki had taken me in,but even they feared me. Even Itachi,who had endured just as much pain as I had,whom had suffered the same madness as I,was visibly wary of my presence.

And for the longest time,that was how things were.I was feared,no matter which village I went to,for my name was infamous by that time. There were multiple bounties on my head,and not one of them asked for me to be brought back alive. It was fear that had made me this way,but now I was the one striking fear into _them_.

No one knew of the pain I felt,despite all of this.I had thought that by disposing of my vulnerable human body,I would no longer feel pain. I had overlooked the fact that emotional distress was dictated by my very heart,the one thing I would not have been able to give up. I was still in pain,and it was worse now,because no one wanted to get close enough to help me.I hid my pain well,so no one even knew it was there.  
I still felt every ounce of pain just as strongly as before,if not worse,and I was miserable,no matter what I did to save myself.

No one knew any of this--except for one person. Deidara

He knew everything about me,long before I even mentioned my name. It was as if he could read everything I had done,every emotional pain I had ever felt.

_How many people had died at my mercy?_  
Approximately one thousand and sixty-seven. Deidara's guess?Somewhere around one thousand and forty-five. Most other people would have guessed way lower. After all,how could one person have managed to induce that much carnage?  
I had killed more people than all of the Akatsuki members combined by this time. More,even,than Itachi had killed in his entire existance.

I am dangerous,I am deadly,and...I think I'm in love. With Deidara.  
Because he was the first--he is the _only_ one who understands me as I really am. He does not fear me for it,but embraces me instead. He has healed me in ways no one else ever could have,let alone dared to try.  
He made me feel human when I was anything but.  
He called me danna,referring to me as his master even when I felt as though I did not deserve it.  
I remember treating him as a dog,as I'd grown used to treating everyone else,while he still remained a loyal friend to me.

After a while,he'd managed to do the impossible. He had softened me up. He had made me more of a human being.  
Then he'd proceeded to endear himself to me even further by speaking to me as an equal instead of as a freak or someone to be feared.  
He showed me that no matter what your past was like,you could redeem yourself in the. You could still be forgiven.

For years,I'd been alone in the world. People had despised me,feared me,tried to kill me.  
I had long forgotten how much I needed someone to confide in.I had lost myself in body and soul,and I doubted I'd ever get my sanity back--but I did--in the form of the insane,loony pyrotechnician known to me as Deidara.

Over time,I had grown attached to him. This was an occurence I had intended to avoid,and had explicitly denied myself the opportunity to do,but it had happened anyway.I now depended on him for comfort.  
The attachment grew steadily over time so that I was now irrevocably _his_,and he hadn't even tried to take me yet!

_Yet..._ I often thought smugly,then sadly.  
Why should he ever take me?What right did I have to claim him as my own?  
He had always been innocent compared to me. Even his appearance supported that. He was bubbly and energetic,only deadly when angered or when his job required him to be.  
He was downright clueless as to how I felt about him and how I wanted so much for him to be happy...how much I wanted him.

But he was not mine to take...  
Was I even worthy of the hope that he was?Surely I had no right to fall in love with him!

But tonight,as I lay with him against my shoulder...I have a feeling he wouldn't mind if I claimed him.  
With that happy thought,I allow myself to relax,pulling him closer in a gentle embrace.I let his familiar scent wash over me,lulling me into the first deep,peaceful sleep I've ever had in years.


End file.
